I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You are the jesus of drinking
Floor bacon is actually really good
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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