you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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