well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize