a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
