I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
