He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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