I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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