are you so shy because you have an std?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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