You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
