My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
