I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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