Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
