how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize