Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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