I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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