Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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