If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
