Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize