i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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