Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and she was petting her beer can
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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