we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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