I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
