I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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