In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
