i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
