The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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