why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
