do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
