Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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