Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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