You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
