Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
