I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
