my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
