dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
