this beer tastes like vomit already
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
