When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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