im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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