And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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