Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
