also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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