Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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