i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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