Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
