please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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