We're facebook friends in real life
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just puked most of my soul out..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
