Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
