my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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