Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
