I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
