Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We're too hungover to prance.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
