Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Even my vagina gasped.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
