I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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