Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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