Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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