It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
