there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
