if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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