Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
